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Title: Sherlock Holmes' Diary - March

Fandom: Sherlock (BBC), Bridget Jones' Diary

Pairing: Unrequited Sherlock/John

Rating: PG - Language or whatever I suppose.

Word Count: 10,000. Ish.

Summary: Sherlock Holmes keeps a diary. No one is supposed to know about it. He's pretty sure Mycroft does though, the fat nosy git.

Notes/Warnings: This is a fusion for Sherlock and Bridget Jones' Diary so there will be similarities. Many thanks to [ profile] oxfordtweed for the hand-holding and going through this inch by agonising inch and not killing me and things. But! This is it! Since I'm following canon, I'm going to hang fire on April until the next series. Once again, thanks so much for the everything, I really appreciate it.

ETA Sorry for spamming/messing up flists. D=



March I

14th March. Nicotine patches 9 Cigarettes 0 (There may be death) Mycroft wouldn’t stop to look at the tadpoles

0800 I swear this bed takes three inches off my height every time I sleep in it. Will eventually be hole in the ground.

0830 In the car. Bored. Mycroft’s brought paperwork with him. He really is Santa’s little accountant.

0845 “You know Mummy’s going to be annoyed if you bring your homework with you. You know the rule, not even Pater-”
“That’s why I’m going to leave it in the car. Unfortunately, time and international politics wait for no birthday party.”
“Except your thirtieth.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

0915 Text from Cousin Freddie. ‘Uncle Sherrinford just showed up. House has gone from well-oiled machine to cuckoo clock. Springs, cogs everywhere. Mum‘s having hysterics. Glorious.’ And I thought it was going to be dull.

0917 Told Mycroft about Uncle Sherrinford. He rolled his eyes and muttered,
“Aunt Matilda was always the melodramatic type. Especially over table settings.”
“You’re just annoyed because Sherrinford knows the future and won’t tell you how.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He does. If Mycroft is the British government, Sherrinford is the Illuminati. Never been sure about him myself. He has this habit of looking at you as though he knows something about you you don’t, and he can be dreadfully high and mighty when he thinks he’s got one over someone. Mummy says I remind her of him when he was younger. I just don’t want to have to grow an enormous beard. Mind you, if it meant I was allowed to disappear for up to a year with no word and then just stroll in without getting told off by everyone, might be worth it.

0925 Remember time in university when Mycroft grew a beard and it came in ginger. Not sure a ginger beard would suit me.

0928 I could colour it in with boot polish.

0929 I wonder how Kiwis, a notably brown bird, make black boot polish?

0930 Perhaps they breed black Kiwis like cattle. Whole ranches of Kiwis standing about eating... What do Kiwis eat? Grass? Would explain green insides, certainly.

0931 “You do realise that you will also have to finish your ‘homework’, as you put it?”
“It’s not homework.”
“Nonsense, I’m sure boot-polish production is key to the deductive art.”
Hate him.

1030 Excellent. Sherrinford already installed in drawing room. Mother serenely sipping tea. Various cousins lurking about and grinning. Presence of Sherrinford always brings relatives from all over the country, as far as I can tell specifically to be offended by him.

“Ah, excellent. My favourite nephew.” He gripped my hand. There has never been a point in my life where I have not been scared of Sherrinford’s handshakes. “Good lord boy, what on earth are they feeding you? I could snap you like a twig! Still running around London like Zorro? Good, good... Ah, Mycroft.” Mycroft’s turn for the bone-crunching handshake. “We should probably talk shop at some point, dear boy. Now don’t get upset Lettie-” Sherrinford was the only person who called Mummy Lettie. “We’ll wait till after the festivities.”

Then Uncle Chadwick came in and started shouting about 1978 and Sherrinford bawled back about rocks and I’m not sure if it was an argument or just them saying hello. Mycroft looked pained, Mummy put her teacup down very carefully and Cousin Freddie grinned at me. Brilliant.

1045 Cousin Jilly nursing one of her interchangeable babies in hallway.
“What are you so pleased about?”
“Oh. Uncle Sherrinford’s here.”
“Oh. You would be.” And she stalked off. What?

1115 The best part of a Sherrinford appearance is the small children he trails in his wake, in a sort of daze brought on by a big beard in the sky handing down five pound notes and pats on the head seemingly at random.

1120 I also like the way all the aunts and uncles and things instantly become offended or annoyed, without him having to do anything at all.

1130 Small children, high on their near-Sherrinford experience and five pound notes, have scattered screaming. Feel like I might be about to be taken away and tied up in a far corner of the house by pygmy tribesmen, as if Heart of Darkness had a terrible collision with Pride and Prejudice.

1135 Could get rescued by Mr Darcy. Especially if he was played by Colin Firth.

1138 I don’t think John would look good in Regency dress.

1150 Cousin Freddie came over.
“What are you doing?”
“Hiding from the pygmies.”
“Ah. Yes. What are you writing?” She peered over my shoulder. “Who’s John?” Hate her.
“No one. Shut up. It’s nothing.”
“Oh. Well. Your mother wants us to round up the pygmies and let them free into the gardens.”
“Why us?”
"Everyone else is trying to pretend Uncle Sherrinford hasn't set the badger among the chickens again."
"Oh. This was in 2005. You were in hospital." Oh.
She sat next to me and handed me a cigarette. “Christ. Do you think we’ll be like them when we grow up?”
“No.” Somehow the cigarette was lit. “I don’t want a ginger beard.”
She just looked at me. Somewhere inside there was a scream and a crash.
“The natives are restless.” She stood up. “You should bring John next time. He can’t be much worse than the last one.” Hate her.
“And you’d look rubbish in Regency dress. Your legs are like pipe-cleaners.” And she winked at me. Why did she wink at me?
Texted John.
‘Legs like pipe-cleaners?’
‘I always thought more like bendy straws.’
Think I might be a bit hysterical.

1210 Small children terrifying. Unclear why anyone would bother with them. Instantly engulfed Freddie and carried her away as she screamed “Tell Aunt Genie she’s a fruit-baaat...”
“At least you’ll leave a beautiful corpse!” I called after her.

1215 Oh god they’ve found me.

1300Finally escaped as even a Sherrinford visit cannot upset Mummy enough to prevent manners- including scrubbing before lunch.

1315 Sat down next to Chadwick again, although thank god he left me alone. Kept giving me funny looks. Is he Freddie’s father? Oh god. What if she told them about the Regency dress? This’ll be Sandra Wood all over again...

1345 Sherrinford doing the rounds. Love how when he visits, he takes the time to upset everyone personally.
“You boy!” He boomed at me. “What in blazes have you done to your face? You look like a feral transvestite!” What?
Cousin Millicent lent me her mirror and a wet-wipe.
"That looks like Feefee’s work to me. Sorry about her, she wants to be a make-up artist when she grows up.”
“She has a talent for it.” I scrubbed at what appeared to be blue poster-paint.
"You know, it's good of you to play with them."
"It's not like a choice."
It’s very hard to wash one’s face when the bratling child in front of you is intent on using soap as a combination food-stuff and weapon against another child, and another one is intent on licking the mirror, for reasons of their own.

1412 On conservatory roof. Text from Freddie. ‘Where the hell are you?’ I’ll never tell.

1415 “There are two places I look when you’re hiding,” Freddie flopped down beside me. “And you weren’t in the cupboard.”
Below us, second cousin Mabel was yelling at her husband whilst pulling him away from Sherrinford.
“You know, Mum was saying you really remind her of Sherrinford?”
“Oh yes?” Why does everyone say that?
“I told her not to be ridiculous. There’s no way you could grow a decent beard.” Huh. Bet I could if I wanted to. She grinned at me. “Well, give it time I suppose.”
I watched Mabel slug her husband. Might not be quite so bad.

1430 Finally found cousins Sharren and Darren (twins, only people in family who have worse name than Mycroft and I) .
“Fancy a flutter, Sherly?”
“Don’t call me that. What is there?” Darren got out a notebook and thumbed through it professionally. Already missed out on first round of hysterics but got good odds on Uncle Edgar being the first to challenge Sherrinford to a fight. Sharren looked all shifty and said:
“Actually, there is something you could help on. We’ve got exceptionally good odds on Thackery catching up with you...”
“No. Why would I willingly get into a fight with him?”
Darren grinned. “We’ll cut you in.”
“Oh go on Sherly. Cousin Jilly’s got a hundred quid down on Thackery knocking you out by the cheese course.”
“No! And don’t call me that!”
They looked at each other.
“Twenty-five per cent if you throw it.” Sharren said, grudgingly.
“You wound us both, so deeply.” Darren rolled his eyes dramatically. Sharren matched him perfectly. Disquieting.

1540 Finally managed to find a quiet place for a cigarette. Relatives still arriving. As though it being Mummy’s birthday wasn’t bad enough, Sherrinford has been holding court all day. Caught myself wondering if John would get along with the in-laws. He gets on with everyone though. Oh lord. Someone’s calling me. Hopefully not Great-Aunt Iphigenia.

1700 Great-Aunt Iphigenia. Mad old bat. Keeps calling me Sherrinford. I don’t even look like him.

1710 Glory be. Sherrinford just outed Chadwick’s affair to everyone. Brilliant. Chadwick lunged for him, magnificent shade of purple. Aunt May’s nostrils went white and she threw a teacup. Freddie shrieked with laughter. Jilly’s baby started crying, and Great-Aunt Iphigenia (who had received a lap of milky tea) started flailing her stick around and demanding to know what had just happened. Mummy rolled her eyes, looked disturbingly like Mycroft in a frock. And Sherrinford caught my eye and winked.

1814 Damn. Thackery has arrived. I swear he has found a way to swap muscles for brains. He gets bigger every year. Maybe I can just hide out here till dinner, then make a quick getaway after.

2130 Text from John: ‘Home. Would it have killed you to buy milk?’

Text back: ‘I'm not the one who left it out.’

2150 Sherrinford good on his promise to talk to Mycroft, worse luck. Freddie keeps smirking at me. Hate her.

2154 Sherrinford came out of the drawing room to Uncle Edgar threatening him. Excellent.

0030 John’s asleep in his chair. The one that fits him perfectly. The thing is. Oh lord. It’s not like it matters anyway. He’ll always be too good for me. I haven’t even found my chair. Look, I don’t want to think about it.

0130 It’s cold in here. I woke John up. He was all sleepy like a baby hedgehog look shut up. When I shook him awake he smiled and it was all curly shut up.

March 15th. Nicotine patches 7 Cigarettes 1 (menthol) Tadpoles 9 (!)

0930 What on earth happened to the tenth tadpole? Not even a note. Who would kidnap a tadpole?

1100 John got up.

1115 “Someone stole one of the tadpoles. I’ve looked all over the flat and it’s not anywhere.”
“Did you feed them before you left?”
“Well, there you go.”
“...You mean they ate one of them?”
“Survival of the fittest.” He leaned against the counter, waiting for the kettle. He always does that. “Talking of which- strong words over dinner?” He gestured at his face. What on earth- Oh.
“My cousin Thackery.” At least we didn’t break a window this time.
“Christ, can you even see?” He padded towards me and his hair was all fluffy shut up.
“It’s fine.” His fingers were quite dry and cool.
“I’m amazed he managed to lay a finger on you.” John got a towel and soaked it under the cold-tap, squeezing it out. I hardly noticed his hands before now, they’re very dextrous, strong looking shut up.

1116 John just spent five minutes dabbing at my eye and now it’s literally all I can think about.

1130 Lestrade just showed up with a case. He took one look at me and shook John by the hand saying “I don’t believe it, you just won me fifty quid, thank you very much, couldn’t have happened to a more deserving man.” When John told him about Thackery he said “Don’t worry, Sally would never believe me if I told her that he had a family, let alone a cousin.” Huh.

March 18th. Nicotine patches 7 Cigarettes 2 Tadpoles 9 (Still sinister)

1245 Hmm. Dinner with the Stamfords tonight. John’s coming. Must be on best behaviour.

1350 Molly looked at me and started giggling. The intern (ridiculous hair, nice backside) whipped his phone out.
“Who was it?”
Molly cleared her throat and rubbed her eye.
“It was my cousin.” I slumped in my chair. “Why?”
“I had twenty quid on that pretty Sergeant.” The intern put his phone on the table and actually pouted.
“I thought it’d be the DI.” Molly nibbled on a custard cream regretfully. “The foxy one.”
“You mean Lestrade? Foxy?” What? He doesn’t even have red hair.
“I’d say so.” The intern winked at me. “Anyway, this is no good to me. You’ll have to bugger off till you stop looking like that, otherwise the pool’ll go bonkers.”
“There’s a pool?”
“You know it’s no good if you tell him.” Molly said, annoyed.
“What’s it at?”
“I think we’re up to eight hundred quid now- especially after the last case. A pound’ll get you in. I’ve got you down as black eye, the pretty Sergeant.” Huh. Donovan wouldn’t punch anyone. She takes judo, she’s more likely to fling me over her shoulder than punch me in the face. Eight hundred pounds though. I could set up a lot of underground connections with that.
“You said Lestrade?” I asked Molly.
“You know, I did call him a dunder-pated idiot the other day...” I did. He deserved it.
“Did you now.”
“Yes. He was very annoyed.” He was.
“Oh yes? How annoyed?”
“I’d say about oh, sixty-five per cent.”
“Really? I would have said more like forty-five.”
“I’m sorry, what are you talking about?” The intern looked blankly from me to Molly. We ignored him.
“Fifty. No more, no less.”
“You’re sure it’s not fifty-five?” I raised an eyebrow. She raised one back.
“Don’t get cocky, you’re not that good.”
“Fine. Anyway, he got annoyed and hit me.” The intern pouted a little, but he picked up his phone.

1405 In canteen. Daphne (that incorrigible old bat) handed Molly eight hundred quid with her tea.

1410 What on earth am I going to do with four hundred pounds in change? Apart from kill muggers.

1745 John’s got a bottle of wine and an M&S cake. Should I have got something? I never get anything.

1750 I don’t understand what the cake is for. What if Mrs Mike thinks it’s a judgement on her cooking? She might do that thing where she turns the corners of her mouth up and bares her teeth.

1755 John just accused me of being an antisocial bastard. I live with him, why do I need to make conversation in the cab?

2300 I think I’m in disgrace with John.

2302 I even did as he asked and put ‘my notebook’ away.

2305 He doesn’t understand how I’ve survived this long without someone killing me.

2310 Anyway, I didn’t know that she was going to take offense. Someone into that sort of thing should be less touchy. She ruined this shirt.

2311 Simon still has twenty tadpoles. He showed me the pictures. He’s a pretty good artist for a four year old. I told him about the cannibal tadpoles and he said quite seriously
“But what about when dinner’s ages away? I always think I could eat a person.” Good lord.

March 19th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 3 (but menthol) Tadpoles 9

1130 Molly says that just because I can tell what someone likes to do in bed by the way they eat chocolate cake doesn’t mean I should.

1134 Even if they are giving John the glad eye.

1135 And John is giving them the glad eye back.

1136 I wasn’t to know that she was going to get all upset about it though. I merely pointed out that compared to the rather conservative way John liked to eat it, it was unlikely to be a compatible mate.

1137 I mean, I don’t have a problem with John’s cake eating.

1138 Molly says that if you can deduce how someone is in bed by how they eat, she is scared for any of my partners.

1139 There’s nothing wrong with how I eat Jaffa cakes either.

1300 Molly caught me eating a custard cream and started giggling. Huh.

1730 Bought John a chocolate cake.

1830 He looked at me for a very long time and finally said: “You are quite mad, aren’t you?”

1845 He’s on the phone to Mike. They keep saying chocolate cake and giggling. What’s so funny?

19th March. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 4 Cases 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

0900 Bored.

0930 Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bor

0931 Ooh, ice-cream.

0933 Neapolitan ice-cream is definitely the most superior ice-cream.

0935 John’s up.
“Are you having ice-cream for breakfast?”
“Good idea.”

0937 “You know Neapolitan ice-cream only works if you take all three flavours, not just the chocolate.” Huh.

1015 Bored.

1017 Bored.

1020 John keeps watching cat videos and giggling.

1035 I found a pool cue.

1050 Ha! Success.

1052 Apparently I am a bloody nuisance.

1053 I didn’t know that his fingers would get caught in the lid of the laptop.

1055 Or that a pile of New Scientist magazines could be so heavy.

March 20th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 3 (stole Mycroft’s) Tadpoles 9 (I think one of them is growing legs)

1030 One of the tadpoles has a little nubby leg. Or it’s growing a clone.

1035 It would be very useful to be able to grow new limbs at will. I wouldn’t need to use the ones at the morgue. I suppose one would have to cut off the old limb and then hop about till the new one grew in.

1036 John probably wouldn’t approve though. He got ever so annoyed when he found out I was using my own blood in some of my experiments.

1037 And the chicken for dinner. Twice. Anyway, John is so unreasonable. There is a difference between syringes for injecting something and syringes for drawing something. I’m amazed he didn’t notice that.

1100 Mycroft wants me to take a case. Shove off, Tubbs.

1120 Text from Mycroft: ‘Buy your own blasted cigarettes.’
Text back: ‘You don’t even smoke.’
‘No, but sometimes it is more politic to have some available.’
‘You do know cigarettes don’t actually make you lose weight?’
‘I was going to call Mother tonight. What shall I tell her?’ Hate him.

1125 Took Mycroft’s case. Hate him hate him hate him.

March 22nd. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 4 Tadpoles 9 (still might be a clone)

1230 Couple of diplomats came by. Looking for a diamond. Might be interesting.

March 23rd. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 3 Tadpoles 9 (leg is still there)

0830 We need: Milk butter bread jam Marmite risotto rice chicken cooking wine custard creams Hobnobs (why?) cheese loo roll ice-cream pasta ketchup... What else?

0900 “I know you’ve got a case on. I’ll get the shopping in.”

0905 Oh god he had this what if he read it?

1010 Probably Mrs Hudson won’t notice the scratch in the table.

1020 I wonder if he knows how adorable he is when he tries to make technology work shut up.

1040 Oh god. Oh no. Oh no no no no.

1041 Called Molly.
“I’m busy. We’ve had a cold snap recently.”
“But it’s an emergency. What would you do if an ex e-mailed you?”
“You do pick your moments, don’t you?” she sighed. “Depends. Why is he mailing?”
“Business but it might not be. It might be just to gloat at me or show me his perfect family or tell me off for leaving dishes in the sink-”
“Shut up will you? Let me think...”
“He called me buddy. He asked me how I’ve been.”
“Alright alright. He dumped you years ago, correct? And since then, you’ve raised a successful business, found a place in the middle of London, got a good reputation... And what has he got? I can tell you because I found a picture of him at the bank just now- he’s got a bald spot.”
“But I’m still-”
“Look, just, shut up. You sound like a teenage girl.”
“I do not.”
“You’re one more hysterical whinge from a MySpace page.”
“I’m not hysterical! And no one uses MySpace anymore!”
“There’s no dealing with you like this. Go see him, or don’t.”
“And when you do, take John if you can. To buck you up.”
“Do you think so?”
“Probably. You’ll be fine though. You’ve got a much better dress sense, anyway.”
“Do you think so?”
“Of course.”
“Because I’m not sure about the buttons on this-”
“Goodbye Sherlock.” And she hung up. Rude.

1130 Oh god. In cab. Feel ill. John looks annoyed too, or is it worried? Must resist urge to smooth out forehead shut up really now.

1145 Oh god he’s still all Sebastian-y.

1210 ‘Colleague’. I’m a colleague.

1240 Appears there is no age limit on who can become a policeman nowadays. He was quite literally four.

1245 Text from Lestrade: ‘No whinging. Eldest is sick. Play nice.’
When I brought up the being four thing he just said. ‘Good. See what it’s like being the baby-sitter for once.’

1335 Colleague.

1336 And Seb just looked at me.

1420 “And I thought all bankers were supposed to be heartless bastards.” Oh my heart. And he just stood there all solid and John and gosh.

1421 I can’t believe he still tells that story about the fork.

1425 John just said “That Sebastian- I can’t believe you ever gave him the time of day.”
“Was he supposed to be a- a friend?” What?
“Well, yes. But he turned out not to be so nice.”
“Oh.” And then there was this long awkward silence where we both looked at each other like he was trying to concentrate my eyebrows off or something.

1437 Ugh. Still has those eyes. And that smile.

1530 Molly got out a fresh packet of custard creams, although she didn’t have Van Coon’s body yet.
“He called you a freak?”
“Oh dear. How was the bald spot?”
“I didn’t notice it. He’s gone a bit soft though- not playing as much football. But nice, you know- cuddly...” Molly was knocking her head gently against the cabinet by the kettle. Then she grabbed me by the scarf.
“Don’t. Even. Think about it.”
Good lord.

1600 John’s wittering about a job interview. What job interview? Why would I have to go for a job interview?

March 24th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 4 Tadpoles 9 (one of the others has grown clone-nubs)

0800 John’s already up.

0830 I think he’s gone out. Probably. Or he’s shut himself in his room. Again.

0930 Why would he get a job? I still need him for this case.

0931 She. Who is she? Some dull middle-management type, I’ll bet. Mousy, one of those frilly shirts. A cardigan in a nice neutral grey. Ugh.

0940 Ugh. Off to see the child policeman.

1020 John just told me off. Apparently I shouldn’t put things into his head.

2045 Why did I grab him by the head? Now he’ll think I’m confused and odd.

2046 I am, but I should try not to broadcast it.

March 25th. Nicotine patches 8 Cigarettes 3 Tadpoles 9

1810 At least Molly has the bodies. I would have thought complimenting her hair would have worked though.
“Don’t flatter me. When was the last time you ate something?” she snapped. Oh god.
“What do you mean?”
“You look like you’re about to keel over. You’re not getting any bodies till you eat some toast.”
“But-” She raised her clipboard. She’s so violent, I’m sure it’s not normal.
John was laughing. Why was he laughing?

March 26th. Nicotine patches 7 Cigarettes 3 Tadpoles 9

0800 Huh. Don’t understand why John couldn’t call in sick. So much to do. Hit a dead end with the books. Might play violin for a bit.

0830 But which book? Nothing good coming out of the violin. Try and finish off that bloodwork experiment.

0845 What kind of name is ‘Spider’ anyway? Experiment inconclusive. Also... Spreading. Ah.

0930 Have contained experiment. Sort of. John won’t mind. Saved the tadpoles anyway. Now keeping the skull company. Since he does get lonely. All the tiny toe-bones he’ll never have.

0945 This cushion has a ‘100% POLY’ tag. But it’s on John’s chair. Maybe I could move it.

0950 How would a small Chinese man get out of China and into Britain anyway? What could he do with skills like that?

0951 The cushion does look alright on the sofa.

0953 He could become a ladderless window cleaner.

0955 This cushion just says ‘COTTON’ on it. What on earth does that mean?

0957 Maybe I could put it on John’s chair.

1000 Or a firefighter that only rescues pets (carrying a person would be difficult if you had to use your hands.)

1002 It looks alright on John’s chair. Not great though. Its true home is clearly the sofa.

1004 Texted Mycroft: ‘Assassins without ladders?’
Mycroft: ‘We don’t have assassins, we have parliamentary debate.’
He thinks he’s so smart.

1006 POLY cushion also at home on my chair. COTTON cushion distinctly uncomfortable.

1007 He could be a gardener perhaps. Climbing trees and so on.

1010 POLY cushion also fine on kitchen chair.

1011 Appear to have put COTTON cushion in bloodwork experiment.

1012 Suppose could ask Mycroft to get hold of list of entry visas from China.

1013 Ugh. Owe Mycroft a favour. But he promised he would get the list to me quickly. Which I suppose will do.

1014 Got most of the bloodwork off cushion. John probably won’t notice.

1016 How long does it take to get hold of a list of everyone coming in from China?

1017 Hmm. Have put the skull on the COTTON cushion. They seem very happy together. Banished the POLY cushion to the sofa.

1020 Oh god. What if the POLY rubs off on John?

1021 Not like it matters I suppose. He’s too good for me anyway.

1022 I don’t believe that they didn’t get the code out of a book. Maybe a website? What would they both Google?

1023 I don’t believe Google is a verb now. Most ridiculous word. Mind you, what if Ask or Yahoo had got it instead? Or Dogpile.

1024 I suppose should Google based on common interests based on books and habit of smuggling.

1025 Ugh, just sat in damp patch left by COTTON cushion.

1730 What does he mean he’s got a date? I need him.

1731 This evening.

1732 Because of the case.

1735 He’s in the shower. This is all my fault because of the Married To My Work Fiasco.

1740 Shower’s stopped. I wonder if he’ll shave. Probably.

1741 Seb was right. A normal person would be able to talk to him instead of sitting in the kitchen drinking hot water and milk (forgot the teabag) and staring at the bathroom door with one eye. I really am an emotional wasteland with no hope of a real relationship.

1745 He did shave. And he’s got that nice aftershave on. And that shirt.

1747 Get a grip. He wore that shirt the other day.

1749 And it looked nice then just shut up.

1754 I suppose at least he took my suggestion about the circus.

2140 Back at the flat. Ugh just go away go away. I need John more than you do.

2141 For the case.

2142 Oh god did she see that?

2143 Now Mrs Hudson’s showed up. It’s like working in Trafalgar Square in here. All I need are some pigeons trying to eat my notes.

2144 There’s no need to be so smug, woman. I’d have noticed it sooner if you hadn’t been breathing over my shoulder and distracting everyone.

0021 Found my journal on the doorstep. Must have dropped it on my way out.

0025 Maybe there’s hope for that child detective after all.

0045 John’s sitting in his chair. Can’t believe anyone thought they’d get to me through him. If I ever have to feel like I did when I got home ever again I’ll explode or die or something because I never want to feel like that again.

0110 John’s sleeping in his chair.

0112 Clearly he overcame the POLY tag.
Think I might be a bit hysterical.

March 27th. Nicotine patches 7 Cigarettes 3 Tadpoles 9

0904 I can’t believe that Shan woman got away though. I really don’t like it when people interfere with things that are... important... to me.

0905 Because they help with my work.

0906 I would be equally keen to discuss things with her if she had stolen my Blackberry.

1030 “Look, I’ll talk to Seb. As your financial advisor.” He really is quite lovely.

1404 John seems awfully keen on this Bond night. He’s got popcorn and everything.

1410 “I don’t know why you’re telling me about this. Is it a date?”
“No, it’s a Bond night.” Molly just looked at me.
“You are completely and utterly ridiculous.” Huh.
She wasn’t really interested anyway. She’s got a ‘cosy night in’ planned with her latest.
“Is he a Japanese pervert as well?” She threw the packet of biscuits at my head. She’s so violent. She probably has a problem.
“My problem, Sherlock, is nosy gits like you!” Huh.

1934 The villain- Blofeld- reminds me of Mycroft somehow.

1935 John agrees that we should get Mycroft a white cat for Christmas.

1937 This is ridiculous. Why does he need to get on top of the lift?

1940 “You know, Bond reminds me of you.”
“He’s a bit keen on himself.”
“Exactly.” Huh.

0400 Just woke up with John’s arm round me. Must have fallen asleep or something. Think I’ll just stay here...

March 28th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 5 Tadpoles 9

0800 Better get out before he wakes up.

0830 “Are you watching me sleep?”
“No.” Yes.
“Nutter. Can’t believe you let me sleep here all night.”
“The feeling is mutual.”
“What?” What?
Think I might be a bit hysterical.

1203 Mycroft wants me to take a case. No.

1400 Hmm. Belarus is supposed to be quite interesting. And they’ll pay. And John says he’ll keep an eye on the tadpoles.

1600 Last text from John: ‘Sarah actually agreed to a second date. If you find a way to disturb me from Russia I will do something we both regret.’

1605 Mind you, it would be useful to have someone along. Just in case.

2040 11.40pm local time. Wonder what John is up to? Bet his date with Sarah went brilliantly.

2045 Oh god what if they’re on the couch? I like that couch.

March 29th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 4 (Russian cigarettes are actually terrifying) Will have to text John about tadpoles

1000 At the prison. Bit grim, even for a prison. And it’s freezing. Never again.

1030 Utter waste of time. Plane’s in a couple of hours, not even time to have a look around. Ugh. Whole world determined to bore me.

1045 Texted John: ‘Coming home. Tell me it’s warm in London.’
‘It’s warm where I am, which is in bed. Date was good last night, thanks for asking.’
I wasn’t.

1050 In bed. Probably with Sarah. Giggling and things.

1051 I can’t believe he’s leaving me for her.

1052 Except he’s not, because of the Married To My Work Fiasco and the whole emotional ice-burg thing. And he was always too good for me anyway.

1054 And he’s a soldier, so it’s not like killing that one person actually meant anything. He’s killed lots of people. For money even.

1055 But not in a prostitute way.

1056 He would be a very high-class prostitute though, what with the special training to be a doctor and everything.

1300 I quite like airports. They’re not-places, which is interesting.

1301 You’d expect the chairs to be more comfortable though.

1310 And the coffee to be better.

1600 One pm local time. John’s staying at Sarah’s tonight. God knows why, they always end up having a row. Would have thought he’d rather stay in with me, but there you go. And he’s at work today. Might as well have stayed in Minsk.

1740 Message on answer phone. “Hi there John, Sarah here. Lovely time last night, looking forward to dinner tonight. Suppose I’ll see you round the water cooler! Byee.”

1743 Who says ‘byee’, really?

1750 And a text from Mycroft. Sent one back telling him to cut down on the cream pies or his fingers would be too fat for the keyboard of his phone. Felt a bit better.

March 30th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 2 (still on the Russian ones) Tadpoles 9

0830 Huh. ‘A great time last night’ indeed.

0900 Molly won’t shut up about her wonderful new boyfriend. Who cares? I don’t. I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with getting paired off. It’s so pointless. She’s currently all annoyed because he didn’t respond to some e-mail or other. I don’t see why he should have to be at her beck and call all the time. It’s demeaning.

0920 Still no text from John. Huh.

1100 Just got an angry text from Molly. She’s so unreasonable. And violent. I told her I wasn’t going back till she calmed down and she phoned me up to shout at me. She’s actually dangerous.

1200 John not responding to text.

1210 Bored.

1211 BORED.

1220 I suppose I could have another go at that bloodwork experiment.

1350 Well, that was far more successful, I suppose.

1352 I suppose I should clean it up. Dying of boredom though.

1400 Mrs Hudson just came by. She says John would appreciate it if I had a bit of a tidy up.

1430 Text from Mycroft. Told him that if he didn’t stop shovelling wine gums he’d rot his teeth out.

1605 I suppose I should get rid of this spray-paint. It’s unlikely I’ll need to contact a tong anytime soon...

1730 John appears to have caught Molly’s unreasonableness. It’s not like the head belonged to anyone he knew.

1740 And Mrs Hudson. It’s an unreasonableness epidemic. Thank god I’m immune. Don’t understand why everyone’s so cross anyway.

1750 Good lord. Well, Mrs Hudson isn’t allowed to shout at me about the wall any more, anyway. And it wasn’t even my fault this time.

1753 Standing on the street in my dressing-gown while they check the flat over. Don’t know why, it was the other side of the street that blew up.

1754 John’s switched his phone off. Rude.

1755 I’m surprised he didn’t hear the explosion though. Must be that cabbie who treats road rules like a polite suggestion.

1756 I appear to have shot a hole in this dressing-gown. Damn.

1757 It’s freezing out here, though there are some quite magnificent moustaches on the fire fighters. Maybe it’s to keep their top lip warm when they have to fight fires in the winter? Although I suppose the fire would do that. But after they put it out, it would keep them warm from the sudden chill of not being in a fire. And they could use it to dust things that they were about to put in their mouth.

1759 Gosh, they’re quite fit. I suppose it must be all the hose handling they do.

1800 Good lord. They’re handling their hoses very deftly.

1800 “‘Ere, you alright?”
“Oh, er, yes. Just. Shock.”
Definitely a bit hysterical.

1805 I’m being haunted by a giant red-orange ghost. I tried telling them I wasn’t actually in shock, but I kept thinking about the hose handling.

1807 Wonder how John would look with a moustache.

1815 Lestrade showed up.
“What are you writing?”
The insulating properties of moustaches. “Nothing.”
“Right... Nice look, by the way. Very Arthur Dent.”
“Seriously? Oh, never mind.”

1820 Oh dear. John is not going to like this. Although at this rate he’ll never find out. Is he not watching the news, where ever he is?

1821 Mainly broken glass though. And I’m sure we must have a Hoover somewhere around here.

1835 Why does this Hoover have a face? Not sure how I feel about dragging it around by what I can only hope is its nose.

1836 Must be its nose. Anything else would be obscene and probably anatomically incorrect. Unless Hoovers have a different anatomy.

1850 Mrs Hudson took the Hoover off me and told me to cover the windows with something. Apparently she can claim it all on insurance. Surprisingly together considering her window has also been blown in.
“This takes me back, you know. I keep waiting for the all clear.” All clear?

1920 It’s cold in here now. This is ridiculous. John’s phone still off. Bet he’s nice and warm, where ever he is.

1921 Nice and warm with Sarah though.

2000 Text from Mycroft. How did he not spot someone taking several kilos of explosives into the house across the road? Too busy eyebrow-deep in a trifle or something I suppose.

March 30th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 2 Tadpoles 9 (apparently invigorated by last night’s excitement, several have clone-nubs) Annoying older brothers 1 (fat enough for six)

0900 I can’t believe he came to the flat. There should be a law against that. Well, just because he’s here doesn’t mean I have to talk to him.

0905 Though he is apparently intent on talking to me. Why does he insist on being so dull?

0920 He’s talking to John. There should be a law against that. There should just be a law against annoying people.

0921 Though I suppose if there was, Mycroft would have stopped it, because he is an annoying git.

0925 Anyway, told him if he ate too many sweets he’d rot his teeth. He should listen to me more.

0930 Hopefully Lestrade has something actually interesting on.

1240 Molly just hit me with a petri-dish. Who throws a petri-dish? I don’t understand why she’s so annoyed anyway, I brought the head back. And put it with the right body.

1241 And whatsisname was so very, very gay.

March 31st. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 1 Tadpoles 9 (I'm going to need a bigger bowl)

0900 This is fascinating though. Someone’s clearly gone to quite a lot of trouble.

0905 And all for me. It’s enough to turn one’s head.

0906 Not that it will, of course. Strapping people to bombs is bad, of course.

0908 But he even kept the shoes. It’s almost sweet.

0909 But still bad.

0910 Oh, it's Christmas!
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December 2012


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